Chapter 13 - The psychiatric consult
At thirty-seven weeks, I woke at 3:40 a.m. convinced something was wrong.
Not with the baby.
With me.
Heart racing.
Hands numb.
Could not catch breath.
Claire drove me to obstetric triage.
The baby was fine.
I was having another panic attack.
I almost laughed from despair.
“This is exactly what Ryan wants.”
Dr. Morris said:
“Your husband’s legal strategy is not a diagnosis.”
Then:
“Would you be willing to speak with our perinatal psychiatrist?”
The word psychiatrist terrified me because Ryan had spent months weaponizing it.
I said yes anyway.
Dr. Priya Shah evaluated me.
No psychosis.
No mania.
No suicidal ideation.
No homicidal ideation.
Significant anxiety.
Sleep deprivation.
Acute stress related to domestic violence and litigation.
Risk for postpartum anxiety/depression elevated.
Plan:
Therapy.
Sleep support.
Postpartum check-ins.
Clear emergency signs.
Support person.
No recommendation that baby be separated from me.
Then Dr. Shah said:
“Needing psychiatric care does not make someone an unsafe parent.”
I cried.
Not because I doubted medicine.
Because Ryan had made me feel the word itself belonged to court.
Then I told Joanna immediately.
She said:
“Good.”
“Good?”
“You sought care.”
“Ryan will use it.”
“He may.”
“Then why good?”
“Because you needed care.”
That was the most important answer.
Then Ryan’s attorney requested the consult record under existing limited order.
Relevant portions produced.
Ryan’s filing said:
The new panic episode confirmed concern.
But his own retained expert Dr. Lang reviewed the consult and wrote:
No medical basis identified for removing newborn from maternal care absent future change.
Again.
Ryan’s expert would not become his weapon.
Then Ryan changed tone.
Through parenting app:
I’m glad you got evaluated. I don’t want you unsafe.
I stared at it.
Was it sincere?
Maybe.
Did it matter?
Not much.
Then:
I want to be at the hospital when he’s born.
I did not answer directly.
Joanna responded:
Due protection order, Ryan would not be present in labor room.
Hospital could arrange newborn contact after delivery if medically appropriate and consistent with court order, with security boundaries.
Ryan objected.
Court upheld.
Childbirth is medical care.
Not a custody event.
He had no right to stand beside my bed because we were married.
Then criminal plea conference.
Ryan accepted misdemeanor domestic assault.
Factual basis:
He intentionally struck me in face during argument.
No claim I hit him first.
No claim accidental.
Sentence later.
That admission changed something inside me.
Not forgiveness.
It removed one lie.
Then he wrote through the app:
I should not have hit you.
I did not answer.
Three days later my water broke at 2:17 in the afternoon.
No dramatic courtroom.
No Ryan present.
Just Claire standing in my kitchen holding a bag of groceries and saying:
“Oh my God.”
I looked down.
May you like
Then at her.
“I think he’s coming.”
