Chapter 21 - I apologize correctly
My first apology to Lily had been:
“I’m sorry you saw me hit Vanessa.”
Incomplete.
At therapy months later, Dr. Hart asked:
“What do you think Lily learned from the slap?”
I knew.
So one night I sat beside Lily.
She was seven by then.
“Can I tell you something about your sixth birthday?”
She groaned.
“Again?”
Fair.
“One thing.”
“Okay.”
“I used to say I hit Vanessa because I was protecting you.”
“You did.”
“Partly.”
She frowned.
“What else?”
“I was angry and wanted to hurt her back.”
Lily stared.
“That’s bad.”
“Yes.”
“Did she deserve mad?”
“Yes.”
“Hit?”
“No.”
She thought.
“What should you do?”
Apparently everyone in my life became instructor eventually.
“I should have taken you inside, told Vanessa to leave, ended the wedding, and handled the rest later.”
“Still tear invitation?”
I laughed.
“Yes.”
She smiled.
“Good.”
Then:
“I’m sorry my anger made your birthday scarier.”
Lily looked down.
“I was scared you’d hit someone else.”
There.
That hurt.
“Have I?”
“No.”
“Will I?”
“I’m working to make sure I don’t.”
Not magical promise.
Commitment.
She nodded.
Then climbed into my lap.
At seven, still small enough.
I held her.
Protection changed from:
I will destroy anyone who hurts you.
To:
I will be the adult who remains safe when someone else is not.
May you like
Harder.
Better.
