Chapter 20 - LILY GETS ANGRY AT ME
It happened during therapy.
Dr. Carter asked Lily:
“Who are you angry with?”
“Grandma.”
“Anyone else?”
“Daniel.”
She still did not call him Dad.
Then:
“Mom.”
I felt it.
“What did I do?”
Dr. Carter stopped me.
“Let her answer.”
Right.
Lily stared at her shoes.
“You knew he might be my dad.”
“Yes.”
“You didn’t make him find out.”
My throat tightened.
“No.”
“Why?”
Because I was hurt.
Because I was proud.
Because I thought forcing a man to acknowledge paternity would humiliate me.
Because I told myself she was better without someone who doubted her.
Adult reasons.
A child heard:
You stopped trying.
“I thought I was protecting you.”
Lily’s face twisted.
“Grandma said she was protecting people too.”
That sentence went through me.
I could not hide behind motive anymore.
“You’re right.”
She looked surprised.
“I should have challenged the test sooner.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“I was scared he would reject us again.”
“You were scared?”
“Yes.”
She thought.
Then:
“Me too.”
That did not absolve me.
May you like
It connected us.
I apologized without asking forgiveness.
