Chapter 23 - THE APOLOGY I DID NOT ASK FORJessica wrote to me fourteen months after the ultrasound.

I nearly deleted the email.
Then read it.
The first paragraph was defensive.
I almost stopped.
Then:
I knew there was a real possibility Derek was the father when I encouraged him to act as if there wasn’t.
There it was.
Not dressed up.
She continued:
I told myself I was protecting him from being manipulated because that was the version of you he gave me when he was unhappy. I also wanted him to leave you. Those motives became mixed together.
Then:
When I went to the ultrasound, I expected the doctor to prove the pregnancy was too new. I had no medical basis for being that sure. I wanted the result.
I appreciated that sentence more than any apology.
I wanted the result.
Not:
I made a mistake.
Not:
Things got complicated.
Desire.
Agency.
She wrote:
I did not cause Derek to accuse you, but I reinforced it because his accusation benefited me. I am sorry.
May you like
I did not reply.
Three weeks later I forwarded the email to my archive folder and stopped rereading it.
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