magic

Chapter 23 - THE APOLOGY I DID NOT ASK FORJessica wrote to me fourteen months after the ultrasound.

I nearly deleted the email.

Then read it.

The first paragraph was defensive.

I almost stopped.

Then:

I knew there was a real possibility Derek was the father when I encouraged him to act as if there wasn’t.

There it was.

Not dressed up.

She continued:

I told myself I was protecting him from being manipulated because that was the version of you he gave me when he was unhappy. I also wanted him to leave you. Those motives became mixed together.

Then:

When I went to the ultrasound, I expected the doctor to prove the pregnancy was too new. I had no medical basis for being that sure. I wanted the result.

I appreciated that sentence more than any apology.

I wanted the result.

Not:

I made a mistake.

Not:

Things got complicated.

Desire.

Agency.

She wrote:

I did not cause Derek to accuse you, but I reinforced it because his accusation benefited me. I am sorry.

May you like

I did not reply.

Three weeks later I forwarded the email to my archive folder and stopped rereading it.

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