Chapter 16 - Vanessa’s history with Lily
Owen produced old emails from their divorce.
In one, he wrote:
You cannot keep making Lily sit at the table until she apologizes for being upset.
Vanessa:
She needs to learn emotional control.
Another:
Stop taking her bedroom door off the hinge as punishment.
That caught my attention.
Had Vanessa removed Lily’s bedroom door?
Once.
For two days.
Why?
Lily slammed it repeatedly during an argument.
Not appropriate.
Not proof of physical abuse.
But controlling.
Another:
Owen:
Do not make her earn affection after consequences.
Vanessa:
I’m not rewarding tantrums with cuddles.
There.
Vanessa had a theory.
Emotions were behaviors to be managed.
Sadness could be manipulation.
Fear could be avoidance.
A child asking for comfort after discipline could be “escaping consequences.”
This philosophy had moved from Lily to Emma.
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The frying pan was not a planned endpoint.
It was an extreme escalation from a belief that a child’s resistance had to be defeated before comfort could begin.
